The NetSpeaks

I have ADHD, and my LTRs end up looking like this 100% of the time. We aren't all the same, but for some of us, we come to a point where we can love a person very much and still not be interested in them.

That sounds very harsh and hurtful, I know. But try thinking about what ADHD really is: it's a depleted amount of dopamine and norepinephrine, or super slow neuroreceptors.

For NTs (folks who don't have ADHD), when you do stuff, even minor stuff, your brain goes like "Wooo, awesome, here's some dopamine and norepinephrine to make you feel good about that!" It's literally giving your brain tiny hits of the same neurochemicals that make cocaine feel good. But for someone with ADHD, their brain goes like "What. Were you expecting a cookie or something?" And so we go through life doing stuff and rarely feeling that sense of joy and accomplishment that comes with something as simple as successfully brushing your teeth that day. Or snuggling with your beloved wife on the couch for a couple of hours.

All those tasks he finds to complete rather than have downtime with you? They are giving him dopamine hits. (For me, I get my hits from Playstation, but I'm not judging him.) Sitting in a couch just watching a movie for a couple of hours? That's not going to score much dopamine.

What this translates to is that ADHD folks are basically jonesing for a hit of pleasure chemicals their entire lives. And they do stuff compulsively to feed that jones. Imagine if you were always hungry no matter how much you ate, so you spend your whole life just trying to feel satisfied. That's ADHD brains. And it's what is often hard about being in relationships with us. Because we can't ever be satisfied, at least not for long, and for an NT who doesn't have that problem, it can feel like the ADHD partner just doesn't seem to care about spending time with them or making them a priority. The bottom line is, is ADHD people have a hard time making anything a priority if it doesn't give our brains that hit of reward neurochemicals (and here's the tricky bit) NO MATTER HOW IMPORTANT THOSE THINGS ARE TO US.

I dunno if I'm saying things that make sense to you. But maybe it can explain how your husband is a good man who loves you and your family and you know it, but somehow it still feels sort of... lonely.

My advice would be to find a brand new shared interest. It doesn't have to be an event or location, but something that gets his interest and reward-brain going. That's how you get him to spend the quality time. Doing something that's just a common, everyday sort of thing isn't enough of a dopamine boost. Go for new, exciting, interesting, funny, or any combination of those things you can think of. And when that thing you pick starts to get to be too much of a common, everyday sort of thing over time, find a new thing you guys can geek out over together.

ADHD brains cannot tolerate boredom. That doesn't mean that you're boring. It's not you that he's rejecting. Think of boredom to ADHD people like a big old staircase to climb, but they don't have the legs to do it. So you have to build a ramp, which means finding something fun and new to overcome the boredom staircase. And just like someone who can't climb the staircase in real life, someone with ADHD can't control their inability to overcome the boredom any more than a person can choose to grow legs.

If you know, intellectually, that he loves you, place your faith in that. And make fun and adventure a priority—even though life gets busy and tough—because not only do you get to enjoy it, you're also helping to build that ramp that the person with the disability needs to fully enjoy their life.